Well, I’m Stubborn And Wrong But At Least I Know It
Gah. I’m getting worse and worse at being able to keep this blog.
So… What’d I do today? I started my Driver’s Ed, for one (which is close to the stupidest class I’ve ever taken – Driving for the Incredibly Dense). This is actually one of the only classes where I’ve not been the youngest person in the room (though I might be… I dunno. But everyone else is approximately the same age, except maybe this poor kid who looks 13) but now I’ve discovered why I’m usually the youngest one. Because apparently the average teen population of the US is Incredibly Dense. No offense if anyone from my driving class is reading this, but you guys really did give me that impression. Sorry if I’m completely off.
I’m now supposed to be studying for my driver’s knowledge test that I’m taking tomorrow (even though the waiver from the driving school lets me get a permit without the test… I know, I know) but after skimming the 106 page drivers manual and passing the practice test online, I’m switching to watching grossly pixelated TV and movies. If you’re going to break the law, at least do it well!
I’m trying to read and exercise more, though, instead of wasting my life in front of a computer. I’ve finished six books in the past three days, and starting a seventh tonight. After I assure my mother that yes, I can pass the driver’s written test and I finish my nightly comfort pixels. Then I can just hope that there’s no one in The Year of My Miraculous Disappearance who speaks like Spencer Reid, because characters have been doing that all day. When even Morning McCobb adopted the agent’s voice patterns, I began to worry. Now I’m certain that I’ve lost my mind again.
It’s almost too bad that my neighborhood friends don’t know about this. They’re seriously worried for my sanity because I think that everyone they consider ‘cute’ to be ‘not cute.’ Plus I haven’t given them any names of actors/people/homo fictious who I consider to be ‘cute.’ They’re seriously evaluating my sexual orientation.
Firstly, I don’t believe in ‘cute’ being applied to good-looking people – I mean, ‘cute’ to me says infant. I think that baby is really cute. Or that dog is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Or the tiny little matryoshka (pronounced matroska, for those of you playing the home game) dolls are adorably cute. You get the picture.
Secondly, maybe there’s just no one good looking that I know. I go to an all girl’s school, and there’s about seven boys between eight and thirty that I know in my neighborhood, and one of those is my brother. And while I’m sure he’s an incredibly handsome chap, he’s thirteen and looks like he’s ten. And he’s my brother, so I’m not really making that sort of evaluation.
Thirdly, how does not identifying those whom I believe to hold the ‘cuteness’ factor make me gay? Or lesbian, as the case may be. I’m not that old (I almost said how old I am, but you can probably figure it out from the driving thing) and as I’ve already said, I go to a private all girls school and so (unlike many public school kids I know) haven’t kissed or worse. Thusly, I don’t really think that it’s their place to (shoot, I don’t want to use the word accuse. It’s not a crime. Well, to them it is) accuse me of not being as standardly beautifully normal, in this respect at least, as them.
I don’t really want to be like them. But you get the picture. I haven’t yet been seized by a desire to make out with any of my female friends, so relax.
Darn. I’ve rambled again, making this blog my own personal rant-ground. Sorry.
Though, after the king (or at least duke) of all rants, you are wondering one thing. If your jerky ‘friends’ from a few blocks down are such jerks, than why do you keep seeing them, especially since you don’t have to see them at school?
Or you’re wondering, You don’t find anyone appealing? Then why are you constantly enthusing over Charles Eppes and Spencer Reid?
Answer One: Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps I belong in Driving for the Incredibly Dense.
Answer Two: They think said geniuses are ugly. And Charlie’s 30. At least. And even though Reid’s character is 24, the actor is 28.
Continuation of Answer Two: Does it really matter what they look like? The characters are smart. They enthrall me. They’re witty, intelligent, heroic. They’re fake, but then again that’s half of why they’re so interesting. Does it really matter who’s hair is longer or who’s eyes are blue or grey or brown or who’s cheekbones are higher?
It doesn’t matter to me. Not at all. Some people would be just as happy to stare at pictures of actors who’s work (or lack thereof) they enjoy. I wouldn’t.
And so now that I’m quite done ranting (though that seems to be all I do on my poor, neglected blog anymore) I’ll leave Still Trying to Dream to sob in the aftermath of my fury.
And I’ll leave a list of the books I’ve read. For no particular reason.
- Suck It Up (with an awesome cover, might I add) by Brian Meehl (Who is my new king – well, at least duke – of prose)
- Stealing Heaven (which wasn’t half as good as I had hoped it would be) by Elizabeth Scott
- Can’t Get There From Here (really good, though really depressing) by Todd something
- Stop Pretending (really good too, and written in poetry) by someone else
- Missing Since Monday (not a quarter as good as I had wanted it to be, being a kidnapping and all, though it gets points for talking about Judge Crater. Which gives it about a 7 out of 100) by Ann M. Martin
- Artemis Fowl: The Graphic Novel (which wasn’t nearly as good as the book – besides the fact that it had pictures, they removed almost all of my favorite quotes, the worst omission being the non-existence of the following:
and
) by Eoin Colfer
Tonight’s song will be Vanessa Carlton’s Heroes and Thieves, because it’s been stuck in my head all day and because it was sort of applicable to both Suck It Up and Stealing Heaven. Sort of. Plus, I’m a bit obsessed with the idea of heroes and what a hero means, so it’s a applicable to my thoughts at the moment. Especially this:
I can’t seem to tell them apart anymore
Goodnight, my friends. I’ll try not to rant so much in the future, and I’ll also try to keep blogging on time.
Three days!
~DreamingOfNothing
Every Child Left Behind
Remember how yesterday I said I’d be teaching little Somali kids to read? Well, they’re not technically Somali, because they were born here (though their parents were still born in Somali) and they’re not all little.
Did you know that someone could make it to seventh grade and hardly be able to read? They can. That’s what I discovered today when the girl I was tutoring was reading to me. She can hardly read – and since she’s not Somali, English is her first language. If she was an immigrant or something I could see it (Especially since English is the most demented language that exists) but she isn’t. And nobody noticed until she – herself – came in for this summer tutoring program because she realized that she’d never be taught how to read otherwise.
In addition, she’s convinced that she’s stupid and never will learn and can’t learn and can’t do anything, because people have been telling her that for so long. This sounds to me like a fictional character, but she’s real. And it’s really breaking my heart. It’s horrible.
You know, I don’t like the public school system. At all. I know that they’re not really good at teaching people who learn in different ways and that they label every other kid with dyslexia or ADD, but now… I don’t even know what to say. This is beyond what I’d ever imagined. I feel like Annie Sullivan here, and though she’s one of my heroines, I don’t think I can begin to do anything like her.
So much for the No Child Left Behind Act.
I’m not listening to music. I’m not sure I even want to, right about now. I’ll just let myself stew in hatred of the American Educational System.
~DreamingOfAFutureForThisKid
And They Say That A Hero Will Save Us
So here I am, again thinking that I have nothing to say, but sure that I’ll end up with an obscenely long post. Ho hum.
Um… Nothing is happening. Literally. All I’m doing is writing on my revelation scene (which is going nowhere, all of a sudden. It’s progressing at 30 words an hour, it seems. And when paragraphs can be a hundred words – that’s seriously slow), reading, helping my mom, watching my youngest brother, and watching online TV. That is quite literally it. Of course, tomorrow I start tutoring (as in, me tutoring little Somali kids in low-income housing, not me being tutored) and that’ll be interesting. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say tomorrow.
But now is today, and it’s pretty eventless. I’m sitting on my bed, typing, listening to the quiet hum of my computer. Occasionally a thought like Reid you are a hero crosses my mind, because I just finished an episode in which he was truly heroic, but that’s not really that important.
You know what I think about heroes? Lately I’ve began to get more interested in real heroes, instead of Batman and Superman. They’re fake. And even if the other people I consider heroic are fake too (Don Eppes, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin) with the exception of Sirius and Remus, people like that actually exist. Doing their thankless jobs, where they literally put their life on the line every single day and all they get is a wimpy government salary and the knowledge that they’re stopping evil one psychopath at a time.
If you guys are reading this, just know that I’m thankful. Even if there are practically no places that represent you favorably (I’ve researched this, so don’t argue), I’m still glad that you’re making sure that serial killers aren’t busting through my window.
Thank you, FBI. And police. And CIA, while we’re at it, though you’ve basically been represented as elitist, snobbish jerks that sneer down your nose at the FBI. FBI and CIA don’t really get along so great (as was shown by last night’s great showing of Don punching IdioticJerky!CIAGuy. Hurrah for Don) but I’m still glad you exist. Homeland security is really trying hard to get FBI and CIA to quit fighting, but it’s no going too great. It’s sibling rivalry there.
I was right. Pretty long post. Sue me.
Now I’m listening to In The End, a Linkin Park song (and I have tried to find a new song which was apparently released recently, but am unable to find it. Any hints?) and it’s just about over…. Now it’s Shadows of the Day. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that song. Ever. Though, upon reflection, the song I should be listening to, given the content of this post, is Hero, by Nickelback. Most people think it’s about a superhero, given the name, but if you listen to the lyrics:
And they say that a hero will save us,
But I’m not gonna stand here and wait.
It’s actually about the behind the scenes heroes. Not Harry Potter, but the Order of the Pheonix. Not… Okay, I have no better example. But that song pretty much sums up my idea of what a hero is, because Spiderman, Superman, and the Hulk were all designed to fight evil and crime.
Real humans aren’t. But they’re not waiting for Superman. They’re pulling it off without him.
~DreamingOfNothing
Hobbies: Writing, Blogging, Reiding
300 hits!!! Hurrah! I feel so famous. One or more parts of my blog have been read 300 times. That’s even more fulfilling than my 100-so reads on my fanfiction (which I have been horribly neglecting – I am so sorry), as gratifying as that is.
A scene popped into my head last night. I’m not entirely sure where it came from, but unlike the other times this has happened, it wasn’t related to anyone in any of my current 2 1/2 fandoms. I’m working on it now, because I’ve very intrigued to find out why Morgan, Spencer, Jake, Gideon, Reid, and ‘I’ First Person Narrator (and now you know this is weird, because I hate writing fiction in first person with a burning, flaming passion). And yes, I admit that essentially every character is named after someone in Criminal Minds (which was actually completely accidental. I’m serious. Plus, these people act nothing like their CM counterparts. Well, with the exception of Spencer, but honestly – is there any other personality option for someone named Spencer?) but… it came out of nowhere. I feel like I’ve stumbled over an alien transmission. And Reid is a name I’ve always liked. It’s on my list of favorite names: Isabel, Alyssa, Cameron, and Reid. Cameron is always male. Cameron and Isabel seem to work their way into any original story I write, but Alyssa and Reid are a bit more patient. They’re willing to wait.
I digress. Due to this new phenomena, I’ll probably be even later with the next chapter of Amusing as I thought I would be. The Marauder bug just isn’t with me right now. Looking back through my archives, I can see my various obsessions revealing themselves as everything connects back to them: Marauders, Numb3rs, and now Criminal Minds. I’m hoping that this is short-lived. I still like Numb3rs better – I’ve just seen all I can. When Season 5 starts, expect the obsession to come back full-force.
Anyway, my brother’s tempting me with Chinese Takeout for dinner. I think I’ll take him up on it.
Or I’ll watch more Criminal Minds. Or I’ll work on my story. Or read more of Ever or Skin Deep or Blue Bloods. Probably not Blue Bloods, though. For a book that’s supposed to be really good, I can hardly fight my way through it.
I have been really lax about the songs. For today, maybe… I don’t know. Not listening to anything. My sister’s been singing Blue Hawaii all day, though, so how’s that? I’m not an Elvis fan, but she likes this song. I don’t know. She’s crazy.
They’re giving away my egg rolls! Goodbye.
~DreamingOfNothing
Dígame por qué
And another television show discovers that they could really use a Charlie once in a while. That is all I will say – I can tell that people are probably getting sick of this.
I’m reading Ever now, by Gail Carson Levine – It’s not bad, despite twisting the Prophets (why is it that all of my life seems to be doing that? First CM’s Raphael, then Ever). It’s alright, though it’s certainly not going on my list of favorite books of all time.
What might, however, is Up All Night. It’s a collection of 6 short stories by Peter Abrahams, Libba Bray, Patricia McCormick, Sarah Weeks, David Levathian, and Gene Luen Yang. My interest may be piqued somewhat because of a contest HarperTeen is having (a 5,000 to 10,000 word short story – the winner’s to be published in the paperback edition) that I’m very interested in entering. The stories were pretty good, with the possible exception of Gene Luen Yang’s, but then again his was a comic-style short story and comics have never been my thing. I do have the Artemis Fowl graphic novel on hold at the library, though, more out of curiosity than out of actual interest in the story. I’ve read the original, and frankly – I don’t think pictures can compare to Eoin Colfer’s incredible writing ability.
I’m also having a blast with my mom’s new Nikon Digital SLR.It’s a beautiful camera – simply beautiful. I really can’t find a better word to describe it. I love it.
But now I have to go do some of my Summer Plans – my new Spanish course, because I’m going to Mexico in August! Okay, so the plans aren’t finalized, and it’ll probably just be swinging in there on our second annual summer road trip, but it’s a moot point to me. I’m going to Mexico!
Oh, sounds like my sister and brother are going to dissect a frog. Once was totally enough for me, so I’ve got to get started on my Spanish before they recruit me. Yeech.
I’ve now got the Criminal Minds theme music stuck in my head. My fault for watching two episodes today, I guess. I like it – dramatic, and subtle (which makes sense when we’re being psychological) – but I’m pretty sure that I won’t like it in a couple hours.
~DreamingOfNothing
Logitech, how may I help you?
Criminal Minds isn’t terrible. I still like Numb3rs a thousand percent better, but it’s certainly a time-waster that is feeding me some knowledge. One thing for certain – I am never getting a laptop with integrated webcam. Never. Reid has managed to scare me away from that well enough. Fine. Case rundown: This religious freak with tripersonality (he’s split his mind into himself, his father, and a concieved angel named Raphael) works as a computer tech. There’s apparently some new-fangled thing where a computer tech can work on your computer remotely and get completely into your system. So he plants trackers to watch the integrated webcams and watches these people’s lives until he finds a sin (or a concieved one. One guy was a defense attorney) and then Raphael kills them. And posts the videos of the murder online. And people think it’s hilarious.
Do we live in a sick world or what?
Pinocchio
Well, now who feels like an idiot!
Basically, I’ve found where my old laptop was being stored. It works good enough – I just have to beware of the screen fizzling into static on occasion, and that it needs to be constantly plugged in. But that is a small price to pay to have the clearance I need, so I’m happy.
Today is my brother’s birthday. Everyone say Happy Birthday, DreamingOfNothing’s little brother! He’s adorable. *Sigh* I love him. As you may have deduced, from the whole little-brother-bit. I’m one of those people who can’t help loving their siblings, even if on occasion I want to rip my sister’s head off.
So much has happened since I posted last. I’ve missed this blog so much – I’ve underestimated how great it is to be able to write out what’s happening. So now I shall divulge.
I’m out of the closet with Numb3rs, if you will. I ‘discovered’ it a few days ago, ‘was completely blown away that there was a show about a mathematician that was popular,’ and showed my brother some clips on youtube. It didn’t take very much. And so then my brother and I convinced my parents to let us watch Traffic and Waste Not (because I wasn’t going to try and sell the show on Spree [or its sequel, Two Daughters, which are about a 30-year-old high school teacher who's on a killing spree with her 17-year-old jock student] – I’m addicted, not stupid) and while those two were unusually devoid of mathematical content, I got my brother and parents interested enough in the show (and Charlie, who was pretty much my selling point) to be approving of it. So I’m legal now, in that respect, which is pretty liberating.
And so it seems that I have to find something else to hide from my parents. Another show called Criminal Minds caught my eye today as I skimmed psychology articles on Wikipedia – It’s about profilers, basically. Since I loved both profilers on Numb3rs (Teri, then Megan – and I hope I’ll like whoever replaces Megan) and I love psychology, I went to their article, and read it, and looked them up on youtube. What is it about CBS shows and prodigies that graduate high school at 12? Meet FBI BAU Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid. In addition to having more titles than probably any character on TV, he’s a genius psychologist with an eidetic memory, meaning that he can remember an exceedingly large amount of information with extraordinary detail. And aside from remembering verbatim large portions of books, he also has a huge expository of random knowledge, which he seems to draw from whenever he sees the chance. Other members of the team keep having to shut him up. *Giggle* So now I wait for SurfTheChannel to load a few episodes so’s I can check it out properly, because tudou doesn’t have anything before season 3 and alluc doesn’t have it and my fall-back sites are all down, so I’m being pushed to unorthodox measures. Plus, CBS doesn’t stream episodes on their site. I’m not sure why.
Okay. I’m pulling a Reid. Shutting up now.
It’s about loaded. Loaded enough. I’ll be going back to my standard blogging schedule, now that the tiny hiccup of access is out of the way. It’s almost a pity – I had written such a beautifully melodramatic goodbye post.
~DreamingOfALotMoreNow
The Shadow of the Day Will Embrace the World in Grey
And the Sun Will Set for You. Exactly.
I’ll make this short, because I don’t have that much time. I’m just supposed to be checking out my library books and leaving, but I couldn’t not finish what I’d started.
Basically, my computer’s got a spy on it. A spy who’s reporting to my parents. And this little spy is connected to a internet blocker, which has a personal vendetta against WordPress.
My situation: Windows Vista has these parental controls that block internet and also report computer activity. Plus, there’s been a keylog put on my laptop. In simple terms – every word that I type is stored away.
Does that make you paranoid? That makes me paranoid. In addition, the internet blocker blocks wordpress, for some demented reason. We had an internet blocker before, but I had the password. Now, however, I don’t have the password for the built-in blocker but I do for the added one.
Does your head hurt yet? Sorry, I’m just trying to get all the info down. In addition – it blocks fanfiction.net, which stinks because I’m following a lot of stories there and I can’t get to them (I have a feeling that the library will be getting a lot more business) and I also won’t be able to update my stories. Even if I was brave enough to write them on my keylogged laptop. However - I accidentally tricked my father into unblocking it from the built-in, un-sabotage-able blocker. So the only gate still locked, I have a key to. It’ll just be a few months, or until they stop watching every move I make. The keylogger is useless if they don’t look at it.
So I’m putting my life on hold – possibly indefinitely. Numb3rs isn’t blocked but will be hard to explain in a computer usage report, my music is blocked, fanfiction would be read by my parents, and this blog is unreachable. I’ve even deactivated my facebook, because that’s also behind a wall. So this is goodbye, until I can find a non-related computer somewhere or crack the new password. If I even can crack it, which I might not be able to do. It’s like everything I have and have had and planned to have is all falling away. My plans and dreams and hopes are gone, and I’ve just got to try and build another life on top of the remains.
Goodbye, Still Trying to Dream. You’ve listened to everything I had to say for the last several months, and I appreciate that. Thank you. I’ll certainly miss you.
Can you guess what the farewell song is? Shadows of the Day, by Linkin Park, which I love. It’s also sort of applicable.
Actually dreaming of nothing this time,
~DreamingOfNothing
Them Blasted Bacterium
Good morning everyone! I have been absent for the last few days, mostly because I was distracted by the burning fire in my throat. But I’m drugged up now (Tylenol) so I’m able to post again.
*Pause as DreamingOfNothing waits for applause*
Okay. Business: I’m entering an awesome contest at thestorysiren.com (remember her? The one who gave me a free book?) because her blog hit over 20,000 hits. It’s pretty cool. And I really really really want a copy of one of the free books (Wake) because it was incredible. And a friend of mine has been waxing lyrical about Catherine Gilbert Murdock, so I’d be interested in her book too. All in all – I’m a selfish pig who wants to win things.
But wait! There’s more!
How all of you DreamingOfNothing fans out there can do is enter too! And then not only do you have a chance to win, but you give me more entries if you say that you entered because I told you to! Blindingly Articulate: It’s international. So you have no excuse.
Other important news? Well, I’ve got school for next year planned out. The homeschool convention on Friday was way too much fun, and now I’ve got history, math, psychology, music, and Spanish curricula for next school year. It’s all pretty exciting. Especially since I’ve listened to my mother say that she’ll get us piano teachers for the past decade or so, and now it’s finally happening.
Right now I’m reading Blue Bloods (Melissa de la Cruz) but am not incredibly impressed. So Yesterday (Scott Westerfield) was much better, if you want to know the truth. Though that’s still not going on a list of amazing books.
While I still have no point to my life (Thank you so, so much for your post, Blindingly Articulate – where are you this morning?) I’m working on my next fanfiction chapter and studying for finals. I’ll worry about the grand scheme of things when the little scheme is less consuming.
Watched 10 Things I Hate About You last night on youtube. Skipped all parts without a certain geek. Feeling concerned for own anti-fangirl status.
~DreamingOfNothing
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
A very good friend of mine graduated high school tonight. It was nice – even though she was about ready to murder me halfway through the evening, since I made her pose for so many pictures that I need for the surprise scrapbook that she doesn’t know about yet – and just… Special. I don’t know. Having skipped all grades that would give me a graduation of my own, I don’t know what it must be like. But she seemed happy, and when my other friends graduated, they seemed happy. It is happy, right? Seems like it ought to be. Sensical.
These kids are all going away to college now. And then careers. How are they all going to do that? I’m seriously looking at myself now, and wondering – when I have to live my own life, how am I going to do it?
And they all have these lists of things they’ve accomplished, especially this girl I christened VampGirl (because I didn’t know her name, and her lipstick was bright against her snow white complexion) who’s got National Merit Scholar and 4.0 GPA and hours and hours of volunteering. How did she do it all? How does she even have the time, is what I’d like to know. It’s like there isn’t any time.
But, since at the end of the day I’m a selfish jerk, I realized that I don’t have any of these accomplishments. To be honest, what have I done? Years of school, hundreds of books, millions of typed words, heptrillion quadrillions of heartbeats.
Did I honestly just measure my life by heartbeats?
But seriously – how does that help anyone but me? It doesn’t. Honestly – it doesn’t. It helps me, and it helps me, and it helps me. Just me. And while I am selfish and like that it helps me – doesn’t humanity deserve something? Just a little?
Sorry. I’m having a profound night. It’s probably just the graduation and the fact that I got almost no sleep last night. I have no excuse to be up so late.
Tomorrow is my functional last day of school, since I won’t be going in on Friday and the next week is just finals. So I’ll probably be even more horribly profound then. Forgive me in advance.
Well, I know it’s short, but I really can’t write anymore. My profound moods are pretty succinct – before you snicker, it’s taken me over an hour to write this. And it’s still rambling – like this entire blog, so it’s not like it matters. Not like any of this matters, at the end of the day. In twelve thousand years, our bones’ll only tell scientists if we’re human or if we brushed our teeth. Ironically enough, they’ll know all about our dental care but not our lives. Not if we had friends, or what our GPA was, or whether we’d owned an iPod or not.
Okay. Going to bed. Rambled enough. Shutting up.
Song of tonight is Friends Forever, by Vitamin C. It was the song playing at the graduation (well, name one where that song didn’t play) and I’ve forgiven them for using it when I remember it connected to my class first, so it can count. It did provide for some comic relief. It’s hard to get too emotional if the song is inexplicably linked to a pencil outlining the edges of a milk carton.
Don’t ask. Shutting up.
~DreamingOfALife
